Have you seenany stock photos of her? It looks like Obama nominated a cross-country UPS driver to be a Supreme Court Justice. This woman’s face is literally the world’s collective go-to-image of “lesbian”. Doing improv comedy for years, if I was ever labeled a lesbian in a scene, I would automatically picture what Elena Kagan looks like and I had never seen her until this year.
And why are you politicians pretending like you don’t know if she’s gay or not? You all spend your nights at gay clubs; all you have to do is leave the dance floor for one goddamn second and go to the designated lesbian corner near the coats and look for her. How hard can that be? Jesus Christ.
And this is so boring. It’s all just so fucking tedious. I feel like this whole gay issue in the media and in politics is just like the first six episodes of Season Three of LOST, where they were just in those goddamn cages forever. It’s like “we get it, they’re in a cage, they have to push buttons for food — who the fuck is the motherfucking smoke monster supposed to be? Let’s talk about something real!”.
LOST didn’t get going again until the flash-forwards, and that is what America needs to do with this gay issue; it needs a flash-forward, a mix-up, a change of direction. We’ve seen you politicians be homophobic only to then be caught fucking an eighteen year old boy so many times that it’s like “we get it, you’re all terrible, self-hating monsters, let’s just cut ahead to the part where gay marriage is legal because we all know it’s coming eventually and it’s boring to wait out the inevitable!”.
Like remember how long we all knew Claire was Jack’s sister before they finally revealed it to us? And we were all like, “We know they’re half-siblings. We’ve known this forever. WHO THE FUCK IS THE GODDAMN SMOKE MONSTER ALREADY!?!”
We’ve known for years that legalized gay marriage is only a matter of time, so let’s just fucking do it. Because when LOST finally told us what the Smoke Monster was, we could all move on to more pressing things like “what is happening in literally every other aspect of the show?”
And frankly, President Obama, I’m looking at you, too. I’m hoping that you’re a brilliant strategist, and that nominating a liberal lesbian to the Supreme Court is part of your master plan to get gays equal rights in the long run. Just like I’m trusting that Damon Lindelof and Cartlon Cuse will answer all eleven trillion unanswered question in the LOST finale. But if you don‘t do anything, Mr. President - if you don’t repeal DADT or DOMA while in office - I swear to god, I am never going to have an explicit sex dream about you and your wife again. Because I can only be so patient.
I’m outraged that we are treated like second-class citizens, I hate that so many of my friends don’t have to think twice about getting married while I have to still mentally remind myself that I can have a ceremony if I want to, and I am just flat-out bored out of my fucking mind with this drawn-out, terribly-written narrative we as gay people have to sit through. I don’t want a single other generation of gay kids to have to go on first dates when they’re twenty-three and have that mind-numbing conversation of “when did you come out? Were your parents mad?”. And I don’t want to keep reading about two girls going to prom and how people cheered for them as if they were cripples who grew legs and walked upright for the first time just because they were publicly holding hands with another girl. Good for them for standing up for themselves, but BORING that it needs to be a news story.
You all need to spend a little less time on who’s gay and who’s not gay and whether or not it matters, and a little more time talking about how Jin’s cheekbones on LOST are so goddamn beautiful and true that they can probably cut through glass and why Kate still hasn’t been killed off in a brutal punching death.